Tolstoy Stole My Title

It's Christmas Eve, we made it! I would like to be sleeping in, but I have a sinus infection and am having trouble seeping. Oh well, I'll live. I've had a lot on my mind so I figured I should put this restlessness to use. Normally a post like this one is something that I would save for my personal blog, but I know more people read this one, and I feel it important that this message reach as many people as possible. You see, I have had a couple of events happen in the past few days that have made me realize that we are all in big trouble and there may or may not be a way out.
I have to tip toe around this first one to avoid violating any policies I may have signed. In the course of my usual routine this week, I came in contact with two people whom I regularly deal with in a non-friend sort of relationship. In the past I have had bad experiences with both of them and I generally make an effort to avoid interaction with them as much as possible. I guess I would describe their personalities as: a wild self interest, perpetuated by egotism, and motivated by material gain. Both of these individuals happened to be in the same place this week though, they had family members that were seriously ill and in the hospital. I myself had a sister-in law in the hospital whom was very sick. I found myself wanting so badly to connect with these people on a human level, but I just couldn't when I thought about our past. It is still eating at me now that I let these people hurt when I could have offered them something, at least shared my own struggles. I really have to ask myself am I any better than they are if I see someone hurting and do nothing to try and help? It's not that I didn't want to I was just too afraid, of what, I am not quite sure.
This isn't the first time that I have encountered something like this. I am sure that you have been in this situation as well. You see someone hurting, and you want to reach out to them but its like there is a force field inside or something. It kills me when I know the right thing to do and I ignore it out of fear. Fear is such a weak emotion and I despise it in myself. I will freely admit that fear has been the cause of almost all of the shortcomings in my life. It has held me back from doing so many things that I have wanted to do it's kept me from being the type of friend, husband, boyfriend, student, employee...lets just say Person that I really wanted to be. We see the possibilities; but we are afraid of the judgment, or vulnerability, or failure that might come with it. So we freeze hoping that we can gather the courage or find the right moment to act, but alas, the moment slips away and then we must deal with the guilt and regret. We fail to become our potential...to ease someones pain...in the words of Thoreau we "lead quiet lives of desperation."
My other epiphany came during a lunch I had with my brother-in law Paul. We had a very nice, albeit to brief conversation about politics. Normally it is not a conversation that I would have with someone, but Paul is intelligent, thoughtful, and openminded and I feel safe discussing almost anything with him. We were discussing why I don't care a great deal for Phoenix and I relayed that it was a bit too conservative and I feel out of my element. He had asked me why I dislike political conservatism and I we had a brief discussion about it and some of the presidential candidates. It was kind of a weird coincidence because as of late, I have been studying a little about different types of economic and political systems.
In the few days since our conversation something keeps nagging at me though. As the Presidential election approaches there is all of this political fervor and anger in the air. Everyone is looking for the person to go in and fix this mess in Washington and restore this country to greatness! The thing is, it is the same rhetoric I have been hearing since I was a child. Washington has always been a mess the country has always been in shambles. So when exactly was this idealized utopian America that people dream of, and what does the restoration of that look like? How exactly is someone going to single-handedly come in and restore us to greatness?
The truth is, the revolution must come from within us. No one is going to fix this world, no politician, no government for that matter. We must take responsibility for our lives, and our brothers and sisters lives as well. The problem with politicians is that they tend to poses "a wild self interest perpetuated by egotism and motivated by material gain." If we are to get anywhere each and everyone of us needs to ask ourselves "What am I doing here?' If you can't answer that for yourself, then how can you reasonably make a decision about anything else in your life? What is the point of doing anything, without something that motivates our actions? And how do we know how to act without a goal or end in mind? If we truly desire peace and happiness in the world and not just "things" then shouldn't the majority of our actions and decisions reflect that?  We have the power to end wars right now if we decide to put down our guns. We can end hunger if we feed someone who is hungry. We can stop poverty if we stop greed. Its too simple to actually work; that is the problem. We already have everything we need. We have just become conditioned to accept the current state of the world as the only reality that exists, but it is a self imposed reality.
The Bible says that there was a man born 2000 years ago that told of another way. I am very confused as to wether or not I believe this story to be true, or if this man was really God as he is claimed to be and quite honestly wether there is a God at all. I tend to lean towards the notion that it is true. I have seen the power of this story in the world with my own eyes and have read of thousands of other accounts about the power of this story in other peoples lives. He taught of another type of government "The Kingdom of God" where no one goes hungry, we take care of our brothers and sisters, we love one another even strangers and people we disagree with. I will admit that I fall way short of this message but at this moment I feel compelled to make sure that I spread it. I don't know if it is true, I really don't. And I am definitely not a poster child for Christian living but I like what Jesus had to say wether he was God or not. I think he was on to something. So tonight I will go to church and sing Oh Holy Night and light my neighbors candle to honor Jesus and the power of his words, and I will ask you to remember his message as well and remind me of it when you think I need to be reminded. Because if there is a way out of all of this mess it seems like a good plan. God Bless you and Merry Christmas.